GOD v JEFFREY: Why Did God Make Murder Wrong?
by TheInhibitor
Summary: DarkMatter2525 fan fiction, in which God and Jeffrey debate whether morality comes from God.


**GOD V. JEFFREY: WHY DID GOD MAKE MURDER WRONG?**

.

**INT. HEAVEN'S LAUNDRY ROOM**

**GOD** is doing his ironing while watching TV. A man on what is obviously a cable news/opinion show — **PUNDIT** — is speaking.

.

**PUNDIT**

_(self-righteous)_

And the reason we're having all these problems is we've forgotten that America is a Christian nation. Our rights don't come from government. We're different from all other countries, because we know that our rights were endowed by God. You can't trust atheists or secularists. They don't believe in morality, because they don't accept that morality comes from God.

.

**GOD**

_(sassily)_

Uh-huh. You said it, sister!

_(snaps fingers)_

That's why I keep screwing with your economy, and sending down tornadoes, and not stopping people from shooting up schools. Because bitches be forgetting who granted them their rights!

.

**JEFFREY** enters.

.

**JEFFREY**

Do you actually believe that?

.

**GOD**

_(sarcastic)_

Oh, hey, look, everybody! Look who came to make doing chores even more unpleasant! It's Jeffrey!

_(irritated)_

Can't you even just let me watch my stories while I do housework?

.

**JEFFREY**

Why do you let people think that you basically created morality?

.

**GOD**

Because I did, Jeffrey. I'm God. Nothing exists without me. I created the stars, the animals, and the Internet. I made everything and all the stuff in between it, and I also created right and wrong.

.

**JEFFREY**

You created morality? Out of nothing? Is that what you believe?

.

**GOD**

I don't just believe it Jeffrey. It actually happened. I was there. That shit is fo' reelz.

.

**JEFFREY**

And when exactly did this happen?

.

**GOD**

Well, it was a long time ago, back before I created any annoying angels. It'll take a flashback for me to explain it to you.

.

The screen shimmers as the flashback begins.

.

CUT TO:

**EXT. GOD'S TRIPPY FLASHBACK - DAY**

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed, speaking dreamily)_

It was at the beginning of creation. The earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and I was hovering over the waters.

.

A younger version of God, wearing a t-shirt and baseball cap and looking like a college student — **FLASHBACK GOD** — is seen looking down at a large body of water.

.

**JEFFREY**

_(overdubbed)_

So, it was the beginning of creation and water already existed?

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

Yeah, that was kind of weird. But I was like, why ask questions? I scored a place with a swimming pool! Bitchin'!

.

The camera pulls out, and Flashback God is seen to be standing next to a swimming pool near a condo. After enthusiastically fist-pumping, he turns around and walks through a SLIDING glass door into his new apartment, which is strewn with milk crates and unopened cardboard boxes.

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

So, anyway, after I paid the electricity bill on my new pad and figured out where the light switch was, I started to sort stuff out.

.

Flashback God is seen FLIPPING the light switch on and off, turning the room light and dark and back to light.

.

**FLASHBACK GOD**

OK, so I'm gonna call this "light" because it's what happens when I turn the light switch on.

.

Flashback God FLIPS the light off and the room goes pitch black.

.

**FLASHBACK GOD**

And I'm gonna call this "dark" because I can't see shit in here.

.

Flashback God goes into the living room, where all his boxes wait to be unpacked.

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

Then I started to sort out the rest of the place.

.

Flashback God dumps the contents of a box — including tiny versions of animals and plants, as well as pantry items such as bottles of spices, etc. — onto the floor. He starts naming them.

.

**FLASHBACK GOD**

OK, you're gonna be a cow. And you're gonna be a banana tree. And you're gonna be oregano. You hear that? You're oregano! It's done! I don't want any more trouble from you!

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

After I finally set up the TV and stereo system, I still had all these actions to unpack.

.

Flashback God empties another box onto the floor. Words land on the ground, including "punching", "killing", "helping", "dry humping", and many more.

.

**JEFFREY**

_(overdubbed)_

Actions?

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

Yeah. Tons of them. Everything from jumping up and down and making pancakes, to murder and helping little old ladies across the street. They were all undifferentiated, like tapioca pudding. No action was any better than any other one. So I had to sort them out.

.

Flashback God takes out a label-maker.

.

**FLASHBACK GOD**

Awesome, I can finally use this shit for something!

.

**GOD**

_(overdubbed)_

So I got out my label-maker and started putting "good" and "right" on some of them, and "bad" and "wrong" on others.

.

Flashback God is seen labeling "bad" on some words — like "murder", "theft", "eating pork", "twerking on the sabbath" — and putting them in a pile, while putting "good" on others — "charity", "telling the truth" — and putting them in a separate pile. A third pile has words — like "wearing red suspenders", "pig rodeos", "Pauley Shore" — labeled "meh".

.

The flashback ends.

.

CUT TO:

**INT. HEAVEN'S LAUNDRY ROOM**

.

**GOD**

And that's how I created morality. By making some actions bad and wrong, I endowed people with the right not to have those things done to them.

.

There is an awkward pause as Jeffrey looks suspiciously at God.

.

**JEFFREY**

That's not what happened.

.

**GOD**

_(meekly)_

Um, yeah it did.

.

**JEFFREY**

No, it didn't.

.

**GOD**

Uh-huh, it totally happened that way. And I had a neighbor who was totally hot, and she came on to me, and we made out in my pool, and she let me drive her Ferrari, and she laughed at ALL my jokes.

.

There is another awkward pause as Jeffrey looks suspiciously at God.

.

**GOD**

Oh, yeah, and then we had sex.

_(pauses)_

Like, twice.

.

**JEFFREY**

No, it didn't happen that way.

.

**GOD**

You weren't there, Jeffrey, how do YOU know?

.

**JEFFREY**

Because it doesn't make any sense. You're saying that nothing was right or wrong until you said it was right or wrong?

.

**GOD**

Yup.

.

**JEFFREY**

Then how did you decide which actions to make right and which ones to make wrong?

.

**GOD**

I just put 'em in two big piles, and made one of 'em good, the other bad.

.

**JEFFREY**

And you just did it however you wanted?

.

**GOD**

_(with attitude)_

Thash rite, bitches! I'm God! I do what I want! I make animals WITH fur and WITHOUT fur! I make them WITH wings and WITHOUT wings! I make stuff different colors! I make gray elephants, blue beetles, green lanterns, and crazy rainbow-colored butterflies and chameleons! I let my freak flag fly! You got a problem with that?

.

**JEFFREY**

So the things you made bad could just as easily have been good if you'd chosen differently?

.

**GOD**

Yup. Check it out, I'll show you how it works, with the help of my lovely assistant.

.

God SNAPS his fingers, magically transporting a man — God's **ASSISTANT** — to Heaven. The camera pans the length of Assistant, revealing that he has lots of labels on him, including, "do not punch", "do not kick in the nards", and "do not shove stuff up buttocks".

.

**GOD**

See, when I made punching wrong, that gave this dude a right not to be punched, which you can see right here.

.

God points to the "do not punch" label.

.

**GOD**

But now, since I'm God, I'm gonna make punching people good, meaning I can take this label off.

.

God takes the "do not punch" label off.

.

**GOD**

And, now — behold! — it's not wrong to punch him anymore!

.

God begins JABBING Assistant in the face.

.

**ASSISTANT**

_(muted response each time he's hit)_

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

.

As he talks, God continues JABBING Assistant in the face.

.

**GOD**

See how it works?

.

**JEFFREY**

See what? You're just punching him in the face.

.

**GOD**

Yeah, but it's not WRONG anymore! It's actually kind of funny. And it gets funnier the more I do it. See?

.

**ASSISTANT**

_(still being jabbed)_

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

.

**JEFFREY**

But all you're doing —

.

**GOD**

No, wait, it gets even funnier! Watch when I kick him in the nards.

.

God stops jabbing Assistant and KICKS him in the groin. Assistant CRUMPLES to the floor, GROANING.

.

**GOD**

See how funny that was?

.

**JEFFREY**

Wait, you didn't take the "do not kick in the nards" label off him before you did that.

.

**GOD**

Huh? Oh, wow, I didn't.

.

**JEFFREY**

So what you did was wrong. I mean, funny, but still wrong.

.

**GOD**

Hm. You're right!

.

God bends down, hands on knees, to talk to Assistant.

.

**GOD**

_(apologetic)_

Sorry there, little guy. When I kicked you in the nards I was just trying to make a point about the metaphysical status of moral properties, but I kinda muffed it. My bad, dude.

_(standing back up)_

Anyway, thank you for your contribution to this intellectual exercise.

.

God SNAPS his fingers, magically transporting Assistant away.

.

**GOD**

So, have I made my point?

.

**JEFFREY**

What point? The way you describe it, nothing has any intrinsic moral value. There's nothing about charity or compassion that makes them good apart from your arbitrary decision to say that they're good. And there's nothing about punching people or murdering or raping them that makes those actions wrong. It's just your decision to label those things "bad". You could just as easily have decided to make murder good and charity bad. How about praising and obeying God? Could you have made that a bad thing?

.

**GOD**

Well, no. That HAS to be good.

.

**JEFFREY**

Right, just like murder HAS to be bad. You can't just flip a coin and make arbitrary decisions about this stuff.

.

**GOD**

_(sarcastic)_

Well, of course I make arbitrary decisions, Jeffrey. I'm God. I'm never subject to any of this stuff. Nobody gives me charity, and I don't get kicked in the nards a lot. I'm seldom on the business end of that particular transaction, you know? And since I don't understand what any of this stuff is like, I just make it whatever I want. I'm omnipotent, I can do that.

.

**JEFFREY**

No, you can't. There are things that even you can't do.

.

**GOD**

Like what?

.

**JEFFREY**

You can't make two and two equal to five. Two plus two equals four. That's mathematics. It's a necessary truth, and even you can't change it.

.

**GOD**

Well, fine, I can't change that. But what's that got to do with morality?

.

**JEFFREY**

Moral truths are necessary truths, too. Murder is wrong, and it couldn't be anything else. Things are right and wrong regardless of what you say. You could SAY that murder is good, or that charity is bad, but you'd just be saying something FALSE, not creating new moral truths of the universe.

.

**GOD**

OK, fine, so maybe that's not how I made morality.

.

**JEFFREY**

No, you didn't make morality at all! You didn't make anything right or wrong and you didn't grant anyone any rights. No one has to MAKE two plus two equal four, because it couldn't be anything else. And no one had to MAKE murder and rape wrong, because THEY couldn't be anything else. I mean, why WOULD you make murder wrong if it wasn't ALREADY bad?

.

**GOD**

OK, you got me! My neighbor didn't have a Ferrari or laugh at all my jokes or not get a restraining order on me! Happy? But the office of the Supreme Creator of the Universe is still relevant. I'm still in charge. And atheists are bad because people need someone to tell them what's right and wrong, they can't do it themselves. Look at them! They do stuff that's just blatantly immoral. I mean, that Miley Cyrus video has hundreds of millions of hits, Jeffrey! People NEED my moral guidance.

.

**JEFFREY**

Then why aren't you giving them any? You don't give people clear instructions on what's right and what's wrong! Some people down there think everyone has a right to abortion, while others think everyone has a right not to be aborted. Which is it? If you know all answers about morality, why can't you just send a clear, unambiguous message to humanity about what they should or shouldn't do?

.

**GOD**

_(considering)_

Hmm, that's a good point. But, you know, I think if I did it would ruin the surprise. I mean, you see how freaked out people are once they die and they find out all the stuff they were doing that was wrong? It's hilarious!

.

CUT TO:

**EXT. THE GATES OF HEAVEN - DAY**

.

Atop a cloud in front of large, pearly gates, a recently deceased man — Assistant, now with bruises on his face — is being muscled by angels away from the gates of Heaven toward a red, smokey down escalator.

.

**ASSISTANT**

_(alarmed, desperate)_

What? That's wrong? But, I mean, I didn't know! Nobody told me! I thought it was OK! Is that in Deuteronomy somewhere? I mean, why didn't anybody tell me? I wouldn't have done it so many times, I would've stopped! No! Please! I had no idea! I die from an unexplained groin injury and now this? This is totally unfair!

.

CUT TO:

**INT. HEAVEN'S LAUNDRY ROOM**

.

God and Jeffrey are watching Assistant's eviction through a crystal ball.

.

**GOD**

_(wistful)_

Good times. Good times.

.

**JEFFREY**

_(rolling his eyes)_

But that's not even the worst of it. You say you give people their rights, but then you don't protect those rights. Sometimes you actively violate their rights by commanding your followers to massacre infidels, like you told Joshua to do, or by sending down tornadoes and natural disasters!

.

**GOD**

_(smug)_

The omelet of God's love requires a few broken eggs, Jeffrey.

.

**JEFFREY**

That's no excuse when you're omnipotent.

.

**GOD**

_(sarcastic)_

Oh, but I'm NOT omnipotent, Jeffrey! Didn't you hear? I can't change mathematical truths! I didn't create morality! I don't defend people's rights! You know what you're forgetting, Jeffrey?

.

**JEFFREY**

What?

.

**GOD**

_(bluntly)_

You're forgetting that, as bad as I am, humans are even worse. You can't let them decide what's right and wrong. They'll screw it up, big time. They steal, they murder, they rape. And in the time we've been arguing, Miley Cyrus has gotten another 10 million hits on her stupid video. That's not in the Book of Deuteronomy, Jeffrey. I didn't order humanity to do that. They did all that on their own.

.

**JEFFREY**

_(defensively)_

OK, fine. I admit that they make mistakes. But they're not deciding what's right and wrong. You don't choose what's right and wrong any more than you can choose to be gay. You discover it. And they're discovering what's right and wrong. Slowly, sure. But they're making progress.

.

**GOD**

_(impatiently)_

The Holocaust, Jeffrey. The Transatlantic Slave Trade. The Great Leap Forward. And, like half a billion hits for that Miley Cyrus video. HALF A BILLION, Jeffrey. None of that was me, that was all them.

.

**JEFFREY**

_(testily)_

But just because they make mistakes doesn't mean they never get anything right! People made mistakes in math, in astronomy, and in medicine for centuries. But now look at how much they're figured out. And, morally, people are more respectful of one another than they used to be. Besides, if you think humans are too flawed to figure out what morality is without help from the word of God, aren't they also too flawed to figure out what the word of God is?

.

**GOD**

It's more than that, Jeffrey.

_(sighs, sadly)_

People are greedy and selfish. They abuse each other to get what they want. And to protect themselves from abuse, they lash out and retaliate in ways that just make things worse. And they know it's wrong, but they feel like it's too much to fix. So some of them give in to apathy, which in a way is good, because when people DO care about stuff, they tend to be jerks about it. They all try to hold on to what little they have. But they even lose that, because inevitably they die. They lose the people they love. They lose them before they were able to make things right with each other. They wish that they could see those people again. But they're left alone and hopeless. And they beg for help, for somebody somehow to hear them. But no one does. And a lot of them just give up on living completely.

_(angrily)_

And Miley Cyrus, riding on a wrecking ball, gets more hits than all of them combined! My God, I would have bought stock in that stupid song if there was such a thing and I could forgive myself for owning it!

_(looking at Jeffrey)_

People need help, Jeffrey. More help than they could ever possibly give to each other. Why can't you see that?

.

**JEFFREY**

Maybe you're right.

.

**GOD**

_(surprised)_

I am?

.

**JEFFREY**

_(conciliatory)_

Look, I think I've learned something today. We both want what's best for people. And we want for that to happen by people being better to each other. But people are so bad at treating each other with respect, they have so much room for improvement, that maybe a separate standard of perfection is needed so they don't become comfortable with their flaws or satisfied with small successes. But it has to be a standard of right and wrong that's about people, not some arbitrary set of rules from out of nowhere.

_(looking at God)_

Dude, this has been kind of intense. Why don't we just take a break from work and chill so we don't wind up arguing to the point where we forget what we agree on. Let's just relax, veg out and take our minds off it for a while.

.

**GOD**

_(putting away ironing)_

OK.

.

God and Jeffrey begin to walk off-screen together.

.

**GOD**

Well, what do you want to do?

.

**JEFFREY**

I don't know. It doesn't matter, just whatever.

.

CUT TO:

**CREDITS ROLL**

.

As credits roll, God and Jeffrey continue to be heard but not seen. All their dialogue is overdubbed.

.

**GOD**

_(singing)_

I CAME IN LIKE A WREEECKING BAAALLL!

_(speaking)_

Come on! Join in, Jeffrey!

_(singing)_

I NEVER HIT SO HAAAARD IN LOVE!

.

**JEFFREY**

No, I — I don't want to.

.

**GOD**

_(gleeful)_

Aw, you know you do.

_(singing)_

ALL I WANTED WAS TO BREEEEAK YOUR WALLS!

_(speaking)_

You're missing the best part, Jeffrey.

.

**JEFFREY**

It's actually the only good part.

.

**GOD**

That's why it's the best part.

_(singing)_

ALL YOU EVER DID WAS WRE - E - ECK ME!

.

**GOD & JEFFREY**

_(singing together)_

YEAH YOU, YOU WRE - E - ECK ME!

YEAH YOU, YOU WRE - E - ECK ME!

.

**JEFFREY**

You realize we're just driving even more people to watch her video.

.

**GOD**

Makin' omelets, Jeffrey.

.

**JEFFREY**

Will you look at that? It's gotten ANOTHER million hits.

.

**GOD**

Ah, they're all goin' to Hell. They don't know it yet, but everybody who watches this video is takin' a looong ride down the smoky escalator.

.

**JEFFREY**

Well, good.

_(brief pause)_

What's in Hell, anyway?

.

**GOD**

This video.

.

**JEFFREY**

Niiice.

.

Credits end.

FADE OUT.

.

THE END


End file.
